We join now Blankenship T. Wingspan, President of the United States, in the Oval Office.

[zeppo] The Chairman of the Federal Reserve is here to give his report, sir.

[groucho] Send him in, send him in.

Harpo enters and sets up a graph on an easel. The graph contains an arrow pointing steadily upwards.

[groucho] Now that looks like wonderful news! That’s great!

Harpo frowns, turns the graph 90 degrees to the right, so that the arrow now points down off the graph, starts tapping it and whistling

[groucho] I liked it better the other way.

Harpo pulls out a shiny silver balloon, drops it out the window. We hear a “thud”

[groucho] What was that all about?

[chico] He’s a say the economy, she’s a drop like a lead balloon.

Harpo pulls a full ice bucket from his overcoat

[chico] He’s a say the manufacturing sector, she’s a ice cold.

Harpo pulls out a bubble ring and blows some bubbles, then starts poking them

[chico] He’s a say the housing bubble, she’s a go POP!

[groucho] All right, all right I get the picture.

[zeppo] This calls for drastic action, Sir!

[chico] At’sa right, Boss! What choo gonna do?

[groucho] Not to worry, men, not to worry. My predecessor left an economic stimulus package right here in this office, for just such an emergency.

[chico] Really? Where at?

[groucho] Right here in this desk drawer.

Show drawer as it is opened, revealing a roll of duct tape, a bent Slinky, a 3 cent stamp, and a dozen or so paper clips

[groucho] Well I guess he made a monkey out of me.

[chico] frantically slapping abacus beads around Not to worry, boss! We still gotta the good will of the American taxpayer! Harpo nods enthusiastic agreement

[groucho] How’s that again?

[chico] All we gotta do is saddle about-a six thousand dollars’ worth of extra debt to each taxpayer, and they’ll bail us out! We’re-a fix the problem!

A flaming spear sails through the open window and embeds itself on the far wall

[groucho] What was that??

Harpo pulls a note from the spear, hands it to Chico

[chico] It’s-a signed, “From the American Taxpayer”.

[groucho] Well, no one’s giving me the shaft. Boys, I think we’re in the wrong line of work.

turns bag inside out to reveal the name, “Otto Q. Klumpett, Patent Medicines”, packs a few things in, and stalks out the door

– 30 -

Just as an aside, I really miss Shelley’s site where I could let these lads out to play more often.

It’s not surprising that our “leaders” are having difficulty finding concensus on what the media has labeled the “$700 Billion Bailout”.

There’s no right way to do the wrong thing.

However you look at it, greed and stupidity should not, must be rewarded. If it is, the funding may restore some semblance of stability, but it will last only until the stampede to the next get-rich-quick bubble.

What does this mean?

For starters, that means no CEO compensation for failed companies, full stop. That means any Realtors found to have been tweaking up housing costs by influencing appraisers must be brought up on charges. That means politicians who encouraged this debacle via runaway deregulation pay the price for doing so. That means anyone who chose to invest in houses to “flip” takes the loss.

You can probably think of more.

Those who should be rewarded? Those who paid their mortgages on time. Those who didn’t overcommit their resources. And those forced into debt by circumstances beyond their control should not be punished.

If people are punished for behaving responsibly, then they won’t do it. The breadth of consequence of this coming to pass are too great to describe here, but it means the end of the American way of life.

Trust is the cornerstone of any society. We’ve allowed it to erode with the willing cooperation of our “leaders”. Now those entities we’ve erroneously trusted are tottering on the brink.

This erosion of trust has to change, right here. Our leaders must re-earn the trust of the nation and the world, by showing that there are severe consequences for irresponsible behavior.

That means making the hard decisions and carrying them out, to show that they themselves are not exempt from responsibility, even if it costs them their political careers.

Should we fail in this, we may not be able to salvage the next crisis.

It’s always amazed me that our city persecutes those who run our critically malfunctioning red lights, rather than the inbred morons who designed and operate them.

This “Mother-knows-best-dear” mentality has brought down stronger civilizations than our own.

On behalf of the entire American public, I would like to apologize to Garry Trudeau. We have failed in our quest to become the rich socialist mob that he apparently so fervently believes we should be.

His disappointment is clear in every veiled innuendo, in every made-up (but believable!) character interaction, in each tongue-in-cheek barb that, if based in actual reality, would indeed be howlingly funny.

As Shelley Berman once remarked about Mort Sahl, “It disturbs me that we allow this foreigner to criticize us as he does.”

In the interest of politeness (and brevity), I won’t upload an itemized list of suggestions; but before spending so much time and effort making snide remarks about the way we run things in our country, perhaps Trudeau could find one or two issues about life in Canada that he could help resolve.

There are a number of other people in the world who could use this advice, as well.

We’re seeing now one insidious danger of entrenching a two-party system into the American process of governance—

What happens when neither party fields a compelling slate of candidates?

And while it might be desirable to restrict the final contenders to one of two parties, who on earth ever allowed Democrats and Republicans to decree (and subsequently legislate) that they would automatically be the parties?

To a motorcyclist, visibility suffers indignity quite well.

Any variation of “Look at that fool!” trumps any equivalent version of “What did we just hit?”

Don’t.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident”, sure, but you’ll notice they wrote them down anyway.

My, it was certainly wonderful to take in hours and hours of exaggerated rivalry theories, broken and questionable sports analogies, repeated redundant commercial noise,irrelevant sideline “insights”, and fancy computer-generated eye-candy on Game Day yesterday.

The actual football game also made for an interesting sidelight.

Speaking locally, in the midst of “The right says this” and “The left says that”, I’ve come to the conclusion that greed is bipartisan.

When a large number of people differ with a liberal’s viewpoint, the liberal immediately begins speaking of “outreach programs” and “educating the public”.

The concept that their own position might need to be reevaluated honestly never occurs to them. I see this disconnect as a glaring weakness in the liberal thought process, as well as an annoying elitist tiara.

On the other hand, in a disagreement a conservative tends to simply say, “I think you’re wrong”—which at least opens the door for the possibility of discussion.

I think highly of the person who can place their argument on the table and respond to disagreement with “Tell me your thoughts. Convince me.”

Continually testing one’s point of view in the harsh light of public evaluation is the mark of someone who values truth above ego.

This post wasn’t funny at all. I should have followed Dave Barry’s advice and inserted the word “weasel” somewhere.

... what would the naming convention be if two named storms collided and merged?

Not saying that will happen, but Hanna is sashaying around aimlessly and Ike is headed full steam westward.

Hannike?

Ikena?

Hike?

Oops?

Putting on the tinfoil hat, I have to wonder about the election this year.

I see the groundswell of grass-roots support for Ron Paul, Fred Thompson, even Mike Huckabee, and who (allegedly) gets the nod from the GOP? John McCain.

Conservatives immediately expressed concern over McCain’s more liberal tendencies… but if conservatives didn’t nominate him… who did? Leprechauns?

How can someone be nominated if no one would have voted for him?

Add to this McCain’s recent selection of political newbie Sarah Palin for vice-president. I can only picture the conversation in the war room…

McCain: I need to prove that I still have a lot in common with the Democrats. How can I do that?

Advisor 1: You could… hm…

Advisor 2: Got it! You could snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!

McCain: PERFECT! Now… how to do that? Strategy, people, strategy!

Advisor 1: What if… You know, Obama’s really weak on experience, right? What if you could find the only elected official with less political experience than he has?

McCain: Great! Great! Can we add some distracting family issues?

Advisor 2: [thumbing through Rolodex] Ohh, have I got a candidate for you ...

I have to wonder (and remember, I’m still wearing the tinfoil hat) who stands to benefit from an America without an experienced leader.

One thing is certain: It isn’t the average American.

If things stand as they are, I will be casting my ballot for Libertarian candidate Bob Barr in 2008.

I know you will rest easier at night knowing this.

Not to pick at nits, but shouldn’t it be the “Democrat National Convention”?

I mean, if it really is meant to be “Democratic”, then every American should be allowed to vote in it.

[insert evil Professor Chaos laugh here]

Sometimes you just have to take things at faith value.