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Category: Best of the LPB

I just cloned a grizzly.

I think that bears repeating.

Domino’s river delivery in China failed, because their boat was a pizza junk.

Was passed over for promotion in the Navy because I kept doing so badly on the torpedo simulator. I really missed the boat.

Russiagate is the IE6 of scandals.

My theory is that basketball announcers continue to talk all the way through the commercials, only about things that are even less relevant than when the game’s on.

“They’re taking their second timeout of the half, out of three, which leaves them with one, because subtraction is commutative.”

[[ “No it’s not. And we’re out, back in 30.” ]]

“Both teams arrived earlier on buses; not the Greyhound but the big Metroliner introduced by GMC in 1974. I don’t know if there’s actually such a thing as a Metroliner bus, because I just made that up, but I do know that GMC made vehicles in 1974. I was speaking to the coach earlier, and he told me that 24% of his team enjoyed watching “Nineteen Kids and Counting”, which ties the NCAA record set in 2014 by Western Boise Tech, during that season when the entire team wore only deck shoes on the court and suffered all those terrible ankle sprains. The team’s mascot”

[[ “Remember to inhale, Bob.” ]]

“No time. The mascot is inspired by a Lithuanian battle slogan from the 1600s. My college roommate was Lithuanian and every week his mom, who played hoops in high school, would send us these amazing pastries that she baked. The baking of grains predates Mayan civilization, and nearly 90% of players who go on to play in the NBA have eaten some form of baked grain in their lives. “

[[ “We’re back in 3… 2… ]]

“Coach has been spending this timeout trying to motivate his players, to let them know that to win this game this team is going to have to score more points than their opponents, and stop their opponents from scoring….”


Guy walked into my glass shop wanting to know if there were any uses for this new mirror he’d made.

I told him I’d look into it.


Frustrated by a losing streak, my friend grabbed the Monopoly board and heaved it across the room.


I understand he was in a lot of debt, but that was no reason to throw the game.