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Category: Best of the LPB

Oh, here we go again.

Daylight savings time, that aberration of an idea whose usefulness expired halfway through the last century, has actually been *expanded* by some six weeks.

Nothing can justify the brainwhack this causes to all Americans. Sleep patterns average about two hours. Changing the clock by half that is about the worst option one could imagine.

Furthermore, from a computer security standpoint, the change extends an already potentially dangerous race condition from a few hours to several weeks.

But if we’re resigned to doing this, then let’s be smart about it.

Let’s adopt a program whereby the clocks are changed every month by ten minutes in the appropriate direction.

That would maximize the (unsubstantiated assertions of) safety and energy conservation benefits and minimize the disruptive impact on the population at large.

Of course we’ll have to replace the “Spring forward, Fall back” mnemonic, but it was pretty moronic anyway. Admit it, you almost wanted to add a “Hyuck hyuck” at the end every time you said it.

I’m told one time I jumped out of a plane;
I must believe it, since I can’t recall
if I at any point enjoyed the fall
or how on earth I came to earth again.

Another time it’s said I bagged a lion,
At least, the beast was dead and I was not,
And I had either passed out or forgot
This hunting deed that would have shamed Orion.

Since then I’ve tried to tread a calmer road
Because I fret that when I reach December
What use such feats be if I can’t remember?
Such pastimes as won’t make my brain implode.

Bassooning, spooning, schooning, tunes and ballooning:
I’m proud to say that none of these cause swooning.

©2006 Michael W. Lucas

I’ve decided that I’m not “easily distracted”, nor do I have a “short attention span”.

I have “agile mental focus”.

Saw this book in the checkout lane today:

Living Longer for Dummies

I’m not sure what to make of this.

First, I don’t think it’s a known issue for the dummy community.

Moreover, I can’t say that extending the lifespan of a known dummy is a good idea in any case.

I did note, however, that the book was quite short.

I next wondered if anyone had thought to write “Ventriloquism for Dummies”.

Sadly, someone had.

Days after Steve Spurrier was reprimanded by the SEC for complaining about football officiating, Tennessee’s Phil Fulmer has been added to the pillory for daring to speak out.

Laughably, he was cited under a “Code of Ethics” that prohibits public criticism of league officials. One has to wonder how long *that* concept would stand up under First Amendment scrutiny.

Fulmer apologized, of course, saying, “I should have worked through the SEC office channels to express my frustrations.”

Now *there’s* a winning strategy. Just ask Steve Spurrier how well that’s worked for him over the years. Ask LSU how much the apology they got for the blown call at Florida earlier this year has helped their ranking in the polls. Ron Zook might have a comment or two as well.

Rivalries aside, the SEC is comprised of some of the best educational institutions in the nation, schools that spend real resources striving to portray themselves in a positive light to enable them to fulfill their academic missions.

What the SEC *can’t* afford is prime-time reinforcement of the Mayberry, RFD stereotype already attached to schools in the South. Yet when a coach dares to complain, the league’s imperious, smack-down response invariably gives just that.

The problem with “working the system” is that the core issue never gets addressed: Officials are demonstratably making mistakes, big ones, that are affecting the outcome of league games. Surprisingly, some of the coaches are a bit miffed about that.

A better path for the league might be to pay more attention to what is *causing* the coaches to speak out in the first place. I think I can speak for every team out there when I say that they want to win, or lose, honestly and fairly.

The Ol’ Ball Coach embraces the best idea yet for dealing with the issue: Do away with the concept of ‘league officials’. Let the NCAA establish the metrics for officiating competency and provide the personnel to call the games.

Sounds like a plan.

Well, our brilliant commissioners have done it again: they’ve decided to narrow Main Street (already clogged with traffic) from four lanes to two, ostensibly to bring more people downtown.

What I think they should do next is cut our taxes in half. By their logic, that should increase the amount of money they receive.

I’ve become most annoyed with the “scooters” that are clogging up the precious few spaces in the local motorcycle lot.

“Wait,” you say. “What’s the difference between a scooter and a motorcycle? They both have two wheels, a motor, and can be driven in local traffic.”

A valid point, and a distinction needs to be made.

If a vehicle is parked in the motorcycle lot, and I can pick it up and lever it nose-first into the concrete garbage can to make room for me, it’s apparently a scooter.