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Well, after weeks of traffic congestion, near-accidents, and apparently futile voodoo curses cast upon the lethargic contractors, my little corner of town now has sidewalks. Actual concrete slabs, to relieve the casual pedestrian from the chore of treading on that soft, comfortable grass.

Of course no one around here seems to have actually asked for them. They were simply installed, like the result of an attack by a crazed, militant Santa Claus.

But requested or not, one group already seems to be making good use of the sidewalks. There has never been a safer, cleaner, more generally pleasant time to be a hooker in this part of town. It’s like OSHA has been through. I bet they install carpeting next.

Ironically enough, the hookers didn’t pay any of the taxes that were spent to refurbish their workplace.

I can hardly wait to see what favor the DOT plans to bestow upon us next. I suspect it involves pushing us down at recess and taking our lunch money.

I noticed another light that seems to have lost its mind: SW 2nd Ave, between the law school and Wilbert’s.

Can I get an “Amen” from the choir? And don’t get me started on Williston Road and 34th.

Here’s a question that ought to throw the DOT into a scurrying panic:

Exactly how long must a motorist sit at a light, with no traffic flowing in any direction, before the light can be considered “malfunctioning” and the motorist may proceed with caution after determining that the intersection is clear?

(Originally published on the Shelley Berman site.)

I sometimes visit my old houses.

Sadly, no one famous once lived there.

Sadly, no one famous is hankering to move in, either.

The site of my first home, of the mobile type, is now covered by the tarmac of the south runway at Indianapolis International. Shelley probably flew over me more than once.

I may have waved. I was five at most, so I can’t remember if he waved back.

Probably he did.

My second home, not far away, has grown frighteningly small but otherwise has weathered sturdily.

My third, far away in South Florida, I saw weekend before last. One of the hurricanes of last season had walloped it soundly. Blue plastic sheeting covers a good quarter of the roof and something heavy appears to have dented the midsection.

But Dad’s bracing on the gables held, and the house stands, a somewhat battered but defiant prizefighter awaiting whatever swirling roundhouse the summer season chooses to bring.

Well at last the gridlock starts to make sense.

From yesterday’s newspaper:

Don Nozzi, senior planner for the city of Gainesville and author of a book on sprawl, said smaller roads actually reduce gridlock by encouraging bike and bus riding.

“We simply cannot build (or) widen our way out of congestion,” he said.
Gainesville Sun, March 1, 2006

Ooooookaayyyyy.

As Dr. Phil might say at this juncture, “How’s that working out for you?”

So to counteract such wonderful thinking, here are some inexpensive ideas that will alleviate the traffic problem right now.

1. Before we spend a bundle timing all the lights, take some of them down.

   On 13th Street, do we really need lights at University Avenue, SW 2nd Ave, 4th Ave, 5th Ave, 8th Ave, 9th Ave, 9th Road, Archer Road, and 16th?

   SW 4th Avenue opens west onto a no-entry service drive for UF, so that can come down.

   SW 5th Ave opens west onto a exit-only one-way road from UF, that one can go into “blink mode” outside of afternoon rush hour.

2. Test all the lights to be sure they’re sensing traffic properly.

   A motor vehicle is least efficient when it is stopped with the engine running. It is also inefficient to change states between moving and stopping.

   I average about five minutes a week sitting at lights with no traffic moving in any direction. That’s about four hours a year of idling away gas– for one person who doesn’t drive that much in the first place. Multiply that times all the vehicles on the road and you are wasting a major chunk of petroleum with no benefit whatsoever– not to mention causing additional pollution.

   Want some examples of broken lights? How about the SW 16th Avenue by the VA hospital? Williston Road at SW 23rd Terrace? Depot Avenue and SW 6th Street? These signals are apparently responding to signals directly from space rather than anything pertaining to actual traffic.

3. Take down the “No Turn On Red” signs.

   Except for limited-sight intersections, there really isn’t any point to having them.

4. Shorten the interval at the big intersections.

   This concept is the simplest, but also the most influential. Shorter intervals keep the traffic flowing, instead of releasing large clumps of frustrated motorists into smaller intersections that don’t have the capacity to deal with them.

   I think the DOT knows this, because when SW 13th went one-lane for construction, the traffic backup was so bad that they had no choice but to reduce the interval at the SW 16th Avenue light– and even with one lane, the traffic flowed.

Before closing, I must point out one more extremely important aspect. Overlooked in all this mess is egregious financial abuse that our elected representatives have allowed to persist.

As I understand it, a considerable chunk of my tax dollars was allocated to fund roadways. Some city planner with a point to prove has decided, without mandate or authority, that the roadways will not be built.

All well and good. But if the roadways I paid for will not be built, I would like to know how soon I can expect my refund.

Just a quick rememberance of Burdines, which has been bought and replaced by Macy’s.

I haven’t had a compelling reason to go to Macy’s. I did go there when I visited Manhattan.

The bean counters surely deduced that maintaining two brands is more expensive than maintaining one.

But Burdines had been a part of the Florida landscape since long before I moved here.

The bean counters don’t see that there are people who would shop at Burdines, even Burdines by Macy’s, but who have no real interest in shopping at the Macy’s that used to be Burdines.

You’re either part of the history, or not. And I for one love history.

Well here’s your head start for 2006… start memorizing now!

… then Zeta, Eta, Theta, Iota, Kappa, Lambda….

Sheesh.

What’s most amazing to me is that we grapple with energy crises on two fronts… not enough petroleum, and too much solar in the form of tropical storms. Seems like someone clever ought to be able to figure out a way to get that energy into a more usable form.

Well, the local newspaper is at it again, wielding statistics like a blunt instrument trying to support one of their pet theories.

To quote:

Five years ago, the Florida Legislature repealed a state law that required motorcyclists to wear helmets.

Three years later, according the the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, motorcycle-related highway fatalities had increased by more than 81 percent in Florida.

Gainesville Sun, Jan 19, 2006

They go on to blame lawmakers, the insurance industry, and the guy behind the tree for not fixing this tragic situation, wringing their collective hands about the undetailed and undocumented surge of vegetative motorcyclists kept alive by machines at hideous public expense.

Talk about leaving some facts untold.

Here’s a brief list of the questions that must be answered before anyone can begin to understand, or address, the issue.

• Most obviously, what percentage of those killed were wearing helmets?
• What is meant by a “motorcycle-related highway fatality”? Does it include non-motorcyclists?
• Why was that one year chosen as a statistical source? Was it extraordinary? Do other years reflect another trend?
• What was the rate of all highway fatalities for that time period?
• What was the per-capita rate of motorcycle accidents? Given Florida’s population boom, it may have gone down.
• How many cases are we actually talking about? What are the actual costs to society? Would we be better off if we spent our effort addressing other, more prevalent issues?
• How many accidents were so severe that a helmet would have been irrelevant?
• How many of the riders were experienced? How many were brand new?
• Did the bikes tend to be high-powered sport models, or more sedate touring bikes?
• What were the age statistics for the fatalities?
• How many of the victims had taken a motorcycle safety course?

And most importantly, and always overlooked,

How many accidents were avoided , because a motorcyclist’s view and hearing weren’t impaired by wearing a helmet?

The last one can’t be answered, of course– you can’t measure something that didn’t happen. But the point is, one should always consider carefully any such slam-dunk arguments before accepting them.

And the bigger point is this. I’ve read pros and cons on the issue, and with very rare exceptions, I choose to wear a helmet, because I believe I’m marginally safer by doing so.

I am proud and honored to live in a state where that choice is mine to make, where that responsibility is mine to bear.